February 7, 2010

There is, I can say with authority, no greater relief-- freedom rather, than for a woman to finally be content with her looks.

We are so many thinga as women we are shapes; curves and bends, kinks and dips. We are also things like textures and thicknesses. A lot goes into a woman‘s looks so, sadly, there is a lot with which to be malcontented.

The world (meaning the impossibly long list of external influences) would tell us one thing, many things, and yet nothing important about ourselves. Largely the world’s perception of beauty, grace, and pleasing shape, is based entirely in the waxing and waning of trends, present markets, and desired demographics. There is of course no real standard. It is instead an amalgamation of such and such’s lips, someone else’s hair, and still yet one woman’s butt and another’s breasts. Add to that Celebrity A’s skin, Celebrity B’s stomach, and Celebrity C’s apparent lack of flaws.

Ourselves (meaning the very short list of internal influences) would tell us instead that we fail. There is nothing to be done and yet everything to be done. Diets to embark on and exercises to try. There are creams to apply and bottles and bottles of things to dump on our heads. And then once all possible outlets are tapped and still we have the same nose, eyes, and rough elbows as we first did…well then (and sometimes before) comes the self-loathing. The “I wish” -es, the if-only-es, and of course the ever classic “Why her? Why not me? ”

But to relinquish the idea that one has to become something that it is, on a genetic level, impossible to be, that is…well that is the acceptance of your own beauty. How can you ever believe that you are beautiful if the validity of your own radiance seems to rest in the notion that you have achieved a perfect mimic of something else? That is no more you than saying there is no man behind the clown makeup or inside the Mickey Mouse suit. It’s just a copy of a lie.

True acceptance and freedom comes then from abandoning the idea that you are not good enough with the genetic material you have. Don’t get me wrong, if it will help you feel better to lose a few pounds or get that mole-removal you always wanted, go ahead.

Just don’t forget that you were written to be the way you are. It’s defined in every cell in your body. How can ten trillion building blocks be wrong? The way you look is really the only thing that you have that is entirely yours. Which means there really never could be a more beautiful you.

December 20th 2009

I've been wasting a lot of time recently lying to myself.

I'm living a life that I can't adequately justify.

I love a boy who doesn't love me, knowing full well that what I need and deserve is a man; not a boy who can't make up his mind.

I'm in a relationship with a boy who is almost entirely wrong for me for no other reason that I can see but that he at least is committed to the idea of loving me. Though he doesn't even begin to understand the ways that I need to be loved.

The last thing I need is a relationship. The very last thing. Boy #2 makes me feel unattractive and inferior. Boy #1 makes me feel a lot of things that I wish I could forget.

I've alienated friends and through this relationship with Boy #2 have made a rift between me and my family.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know how to fix this other than to just give up on everything and try to start over. All I know is that I can't do this anymore. I really can't. As trite as it sounds, I just can't do this.

December 2nd 2009

I think if I could tell anyone anything it would be to never waste time with those who only pretend to love. It is one of the cruelest things humans do to one another, to feign affection because it’s easier than getting to the truth.

Don’t invest too much in those who don’t appreciate you. They will never understand your intricacies and therefore do not deserve to see them.

Run as fast and as far as you can from those who love you only when it’s convenient. This is the nearly the same as the first thing I mentioned. It is merely a pale blue on a spectrum of cruelty. Love is quite inconvenient. And you are worth that inconvenience.

Never be offended at the truth of someone not loving you. It’s neither your fault nor theirs. It’s just the truth. This is why you must guard your heart and not rush in thinking it could be love when it is not.

Don’t try to change the person you are with. Deal with his or her failings if you indeed love them. Trying to change them to meet your very likely to be unreasonable expectations will only disappoint you and breed resentment in them.

Go slow. Falling in the right kind of love is worth the wait, while needless heartbreak is far from being of any surmisable value.

Take risks only when you are certain they are worth taking. You are too precious to give your heart to anyone who will be reckless.

November 29th 2009

When you take things one day at a time going to sleep becomes a goal instead of just an event. If you can make it to the end of the day, if you can get there walking or breathing or just mildly conscious, you’ve made it haven’t you? And that’s all that counts.

This is sometimes a necessary way of coping. It can be the most viable option for survival. To set and achieve the small goal for yourself of being able to struggle through the things that are expected of you, be it work or school or family life, for a mere twenty-four hours provides the motivational edification that will encourage you through the next twenty-four hours. In this way humans can pull themselves through many difficult situations.

I’ve found myself using this technique of late. It has helped to a certain degree but there is one hole I’ve found in its effectiveness.

When the day is over, when you’ve done all you could do and you lay your head down to rest what do you do if the rest won’t come? What do you do when the day is over but you struggle on? When the sorrow and trial that you’re facing doesn’t care that you’ve lived another twenty-four hours or 1440 minutes or 86,400 seconds, however you measure, what do you do then?