December 20th 2009

I've been wasting a lot of time recently lying to myself.

I'm living a life that I can't adequately justify.

I love a boy who doesn't love me, knowing full well that what I need and deserve is a man; not a boy who can't make up his mind.

I'm in a relationship with a boy who is almost entirely wrong for me for no other reason that I can see but that he at least is committed to the idea of loving me. Though he doesn't even begin to understand the ways that I need to be loved.

The last thing I need is a relationship. The very last thing. Boy #2 makes me feel unattractive and inferior. Boy #1 makes me feel a lot of things that I wish I could forget.

I've alienated friends and through this relationship with Boy #2 have made a rift between me and my family.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know how to fix this other than to just give up on everything and try to start over. All I know is that I can't do this anymore. I really can't. As trite as it sounds, I just can't do this.